the downward spiral into uncool (complete with audio links!)

I try very diligently to keep up with pop culture. I do this because not only do I find it fairly amusing but I also remember sitting in an English class in my junior year of high school and listening to my teacher lament about how she wasn't hip anymore. Her first mistake was using the word hip. She wasn't old, but when she said "hip" my brain immediately went in the direction of hip replacement. She told us that she always thought she would be able to keep up with the current trends and know all the top 40 music, but one day she let it all get away from her and found it too overwhelming to get back in. And that was it, after that she was forever stuck in a world of easy listening and a wardrobe from Talbots.
From that day forward I swore that I would never stop listening to current music and I would never wear blazers. And I've done okay, at least I've stayed away from blazers (but I did have a bout with button down sweaters). The music, well, I try, I really do. But sometimes it's so hard to take. Here it comes, and I never thought I would say this, but a lot of that music sounds like noise to me.

Grandma? Is that you?

In my attempt to stay afloat in the sea of all things contemporary I listen to iTunes every morning while I get ready. I actually tune into an unpatriotic Canadian channel called Hitzradio. They play the latest Beyonce, Britney, Black Eyed Peas... etc.. I feel that about an hour a day keeps me up to date. But that hour is usually all I can take. There's a handful of pretty decent songs, but then you get throw in some Usher and Mis-Teeq and I'm out. The first time I heard Usher's Yeah! I was in the other room and I thought I kept hearing a phone ringing, I was going crazy trying to figure out where this phone was. But then I realized it was just part of the song, somewhere in that mix there's a phone ringing. over and over. Upon hearing this I discovered how easy it would be to give up the top 40 music, because the sound of that fucking phone annoyed the hell out of me. Then add Usher "singing":

Up in the club wit my homies, trying to get a lil V-I
Keep it down on the low key
You should know how it feels
I seen shorty she was checking up on me
From the game she was spitting in my ear
You would think that she knew me
I decided to cheat
Conversation got heavy!
She had me feeling like she's ready to blow!
Oh! (watch out!!) She's saying "come get me!"
So I got up and followed her to the floor
She said "baby let's go"

Upon hearing those lyrics I found myself shaking my head in disbelief while I scuffed across the floor with my fuzzy slippers and pulled a tissue from my housecoat sleeve.

I could go on and on about these songs, but let me just choose a few which make me feel like I should start shopping for some Fixodent.

Mario Winans - I Don't Wanna Know
This song features P. Diddy and Enya. I'm not sure if I would have put them together as a winning combination and after having heard it, I'm still not sure. The part of this song which had me scratchin' my head was when P. Diddy busts into the following lyrics.

i don't wanna let you go
and i don't wanna let you leave
can't say i didn't let you breathe
gave you extra cheese
put you in the SUV
you wanted ice so i made you freeze
made you hot like the west indies

extra cheese? am I supposed to understand that?

J-Kwon - Tipsy
No doubt, this song is catchy. But shame on you J-Kwon for promoting underage drinking! The lyrics for this song let us know that J-Kwon is interested in fine young woman (a.k.a. shorty) who is angry with her man, already has a child, but swears she's had her tubes tied. Did I mention that he's not sure if she's 21? This is a very exciting night for J-Kwon as we find out later:

...she started feelin on my johnson right out the blue,
girl you super thick so I'm thinkin that's koo

3 questions here: is koo a word now? since when is it so koo to be super thick? does super thick mean what I think it means?

Christina Milian - Dip It Low
let me just start off with the lyrics on this one.

Dip it low
Pick it up slow
Roll it all around
Poke it out like your back broke
Pop pop pop that thing
Ima show you how to make your man say "Ooo"

First of all, I don't need a 22 year old (who says "songs on this album have a little more depth to them") show me how to make my man say Oooo. And poke it out like my back broke? That's not okay.

I better stop here, I fear I've proved I'm beyond uncool. Besides I heard Sears is having a sale on elastic waist pants tomorrow, so it's just as well I get my rest.