remedial pants

Velcro on clothing really bugs me. There's something about the excessive noise and laziness of it all that makes it seem so, so... how do you say, white trash? I know that velcro is important to many a parent who would rather not tie a squirmy kid's shoe, so to the toddlers of the world I say enjoy your velcro. But when I was a kid there were no velcro sneakers, so when they did finally come on the scene I became judgmental and decided that anyone who had velcro on their shoes was extremely stupid and couldn't tie a bow. I also thought that anyone who owned velcro fastening shoes was severely inconsiderate; how dare they force me to listen to the ripping sound of those nasty little straps.

Then it started showing up on jackets. I remember when I was a kid and we had to learn how to use buttons, up hill in the snow. One winter day, when I was in kindergarten, everyone in my class was told we would receive a tiny bag of M&Ms if we could button our own coats. I cried salty tears as other kids filled their gullets because of one bulbous button meant to fit into a microscopic loop of leather near the hood. I bet those closures are made with velcro now and kids all over the place are getting undeserved reward candy for dressing themselves.

The pants which I chose to wear today have a zipper, a drawstring and some velcro. I'm not sure why the manufacturers of these pants thought that a trio of closures including velcro was necessary. And I don't even know why I looked at them in the store, but I purchased them and I wear them from time to time. Today was probably a bad day to don this gay apparel, because I already annoyed myself enough all weekend by wearing sandals with velcro while shoe shopping. These pants annoyed me further all day today, because every time I needed to use the restroom at work I (and anyone else in the restroom) had to listen to the irritating sound of the fastener on my pants. There's something kind of humiliating about stepping into a stall of a full bathroom and ripping my pants open. All day I had this paranoid feeling that everyone thought that I was either the laziest person in the world or still incapable of using buttons.