these dreams

I guess I watch more reality TV than I ought to.

Last night I had a dream in which I was on a new reality show. I had to live on a boat with Ashton Kutcher, P Diddy, Alexis Bledel, Nick Lachey and my very own sweetheart, Alex.

It was a large boat, yacht-like, and we were collectively supposed to figure out how to get this boat from wherever we were to an island off the coast of somewhere. This boat was huge and I remember thinking that we wouldn't have enough gas. I complained about gas a lot. No one listened. Cameras caught me acting like this. I knew I was going to look bad.

Everyone was pretty excited and instead of thinking about gas (or how to steer the boat) they all decided to inspect the digs. I gave in (there's that peer pressure again!) and while we were checking out every nook and cranny of our new living quarters, the boat careened into a rock and suffered a big ol' hole in the front. Diddy and Ashton went to check it out, but only Alex and Nick would swim down to look at the hole. Alexis and I stood on the deck and bonded. Eventually, somehow, the hole got fixed, but not before Ashton decided to bail. As he thought about how potentially hazardous the rest of the trip could be he realized he could still see the main land and swam to safety. Then there were five.

All things back to normal, we had a big party with champagne and everything. Alex got pretty drunk and passed out in our brand new boat bedroom. Instead of breathing, or even snoring, he was burping. Burp in, burp out, like breathing, but much more obnoxious. I couldn't sleep in there with him, so I decided to bunk in one giant bed with P. Diddy and Alexis. They were happy to accommodate me until burpy Alex came in and tried to puke on my face. I put the sheet over my face before I saw any vomit and then woke up.

Wouldn't that have made some compelling reality TV? There's nothing like watching a boring control freak bitch out celebrities who don't give a rat's ass about how much gas is in a boat! How exciting is it to watch someone puke on their own wife?

As it turns out, Alex alerted me to the fact that our cat was actually retching in the hallway during this dream. Not so compelling now, is it?