movie angst

Last night Alex and I watched the Summer of Sam, which I thought was terrible. It was one of Alex's Netflix choices, and it's been sitting around the house since November. I gave him a lot of grief about it when it was over. He agreed that it was awful.

Last Tuesday night Sean took me to his usual Tuesday "movie night" as a guest. I have to admit I was a little nervous going into the whole thing, especially when Sean told me that it's a pretty big group of invitees. It wasn't that I was scared of any of the people, because I didn't know anyone except Sean, but there were just so many people... and if you attend you are encouraged to participate in a discussion about the movie afterwards. When it comes to expressing my opinion, especially around strangers, I get a little anxious. Did I mention that Sean is a film/video editor and most of the people who usually go to movie night are linked to the film industry?

Why these sort of things make me nervous is beyond me. I am smart. I know how to watch a movie. I am able to form opinions and sentences. Sometimes I crack a pretty decent joke.

Maybe some of my fears stem from my childhood, where I learned pretty early that it's probably best to keep your opinion to yourself and privately grumble about what's really on your mind at a later date. Because putting your abstract ideas out there is a little risky... what if someone (gasp) DISAGREES?
**Please note that this rule does not apply if you are backed by a large group who feels the same way you do, then by all means, speak up. safety in numbers.**

So while watching the movie, which happened to be The General, I got myself all worked up about what I would say afterwards and hope that it would sound smart enough. Questions ran through my head like: how can I comment on a classic silent film? can I get away with sitting silently and saying it's in homage to the silent film? who am I to comment on this? I think there might have been a good 20 minutes where I completely zoned out and stopped watching the movie so I could think about what I was going to say. Then when I realized I wasn't paying attention I started watching the movie more intensely than I have ever watched a movie, to make up for lost time. I felt crazy by the time the movie ended.

As it turns out I had some pretty decent idea to share with the group, which actually turned out to be pretty small. And of course, realized that my neurosis was completely uncalled for and irrational.
I'm not going to say that this kind of behavior won't come into play again, because we all know that I have the tendency to get a little antsy in a large group of people. I'm just hoping that I can walk away from these kind of nights (where everything turned out okay) with a feeling of security instead of feeling like I have to pee my pants.