Thursday, February 19, 2004

a day trip to San Diego for work does not a vacation make

I started my day with a healthy sized panic attack so my head would hurt just right for an hour flight and an all day outing at a beach (scouting a location). It ended pretty well, with a sunburn on my nose and a seat in first class, compliments of my "feeling sorry for me" boss. Usually work doesn't stress me out this much, but today just pushed me over the edge and I kind of lost it. Phone calls to my sister and mother, pre-boarding the migraine flight, helped to take the edge off, but on a scale of 1 - 10 I give this day a 2.
I guess not having control over where I want to live or what I want to do for a living have worn me down to an emotional pulp that led to a sob fest in the ladies room at SFO... at 7:23am. It's been a long time coming and putting on a happy face just didn't fit into my repertoire today, come to think of it, it hasn't fit any time in the past 2 weeks.
By the end of the day I gained some sort of control over my private emotional outbursts and I was able to be quite productive. I never shed a tear or shouted at any of my co-workers, but now I'm left wondering when my next breakdown will be and how I will handle it. Chances are I'll take it out on Alex, which is the worst because he was really the coolest today. He gave me rides to and from the airport, when he really should have been studying for a mid-term. He also got me dinner and understands that I'm going to have to watch crappy reality TV without him tonight and that I'll probably blab about it before he even gets a chance to watch the tapes.
So now I will go and eat my fatty-fatty-fat-fat burger and fries and numb my brain with the wonders of television. I also got a package from my sister (I get one every month) with lots of fun things, including my tiara that she borrowed. I think will put my tiara on and pretend I am princess of my couch.
There, I feel better already.